Spam of the Day (courtesy of Bootylicious24)

I do know I'm not supposed to open up spam emails and respond to the offers, but in this instance....have pity on me for my weakness! Am I not flesh and blood!?

"Count Me In With the Hollyweirds"

As we all know, message boards on news websites are a cesspool of humanity, bringing out the absolute worst qualities from the laziest cowards in society. To the point where, if I - in a moment of weakness - happen to check in on one, I almost invariably end up becoming depressed at the lack of meaningful discourse. So I generally don't bother.

Except when I can't resist. It's sort of like discovering there's a Vin Diesel action movie playing in your hotel room. Somehow, sometimes, I can't resist just checking in.

So anyway - you can imagine the rancor abounding in the Franken-Coleman trial debates. We know that accusations that fly from ideologues on both sides; but I just happened to check in on a board today and caught one of those one-in-a-thousand amazing comments left by some random guy who addressed that ongoing, strange right wing fury about Hollywood being in the back pocket of liberal politics:

The question one should ask themselves is...
what these donors expect to gain by their contributions. Do Hollywood actors and other celebrities who donate to Franken expect government handouts, or business tax breaks, or federal contracts? Or do they simply think Franken is more likely to promote the type of government and society in which they want to live? Last I checked, these celebrities were not corporate bigwigs looking to receive more favorable tax treatment and government contracts. Nope, but that's what motivates Norm's donors, who would prefer to further bankrupt the government for their own individual good. So basically we have one set of donors who want a more open, tolerant and freer society vs. another set who want to pay less in taxes or garner some other lucrative government contract and think giving a Republican a lot of money will help them get this. Seems pretty clear who I'd rather have in D.C. Count me in with the Hollyweirds.

Well-done, jonnyonspot.

Everything I Know About Parenting I Learned From LOTR

Among the lines used in various iteractions with child:

- (when rounding up the girls to get them out the door - with thanks to PGibb) Find the halflings!!!
- Strange that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.
and
- DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS!!

others, Gibb? Missing some here? No doubt, but those three came to mind first.

Happy Birthday Little Girl Getting Bigger

Lucy Age 6

Check-In #8

Apparently, the aerial imagery company is calling my references. I've heard from two of them now that they've been contacted and have given their best on my behalf.

If this job was offered (at a living wage) I would accept; and there are definite good points about the company, the industry, and (potentially) the future - were I to end up there.

Cross your fingers on my behalf.

Check-In #7

First off, so it doesn't get buried & forgotten - the link to "Proove You Groove" has been updated & should work now.

So...

My second moment of clarity in the past two months has been met with a second kick in the face. The first, if you recall, was when I'd decided that staying with my former employer was a position of power from which I could launch "Plan B" (the future career exploration). And then I was laid off.

This most recent one was laid out in detail in check-in #6. Clarity that I should stick to my bread & butter, and do GIS Specialist work for a local government. And I was really excited about the resume that I'd sent off for a job in a SW Metro county. Well, I got a letter on Tuesday informing me that I was not among those selected to interview. Oof. Beyond bad; this could either be an indictment of my actual qualifications, or an indication of the overwhelming number of people out there trying to get jobs in this field. I had a day where I was nearly literally reeling. The pressure is on - Sharon & I have done the numbers, and it wouldn't make sense for her to go back to work part-time (e.g. in the job she used to have) before Rose gets into Kindergarten. Full day daycare for Rose and extended day for Lucy would add up to about $900/month. Then, by the time you figure in less meals from scratch, car upkeep & gas, etc. etc.; it really doesn't make sense. It's really all on me - which means I have to make a living wage for a family of four.

Luckily, I still have two career counselors in my camp, and they've got me going crazy in the networking thing; I've actually got an informational interview set up today with the guy that manages the GIS operation at that county job, to kind of get a sense of what the deal was, and his insight on how to approach working in the public sector. I'm going to a GIS job fair next week, and will be starting a process of getting involved in local user groups, including one that has membership from throughout Hennepin County. See if there's a way I can, during my unemployment, offer up my help on any collaborative projects across government agencies & get to know people, etc. Not sure if anything can &/or will come of any of that - but something kind of has to.

One of those weird things. I look at where I'm at, career-wise (kind of feeling like I'm almost back to square one), and just think: "How did it come to this?" 16 years out of college. I got these two beautiful little girls, that are completely unaware of my stress, and our overall situation. With one person in our household working, we need to gross 45k, minimum, to make our ends meet. That's with about zero eating out, not having one of our two 12+ year old cars die, etc. And what if that opportunity simply isn't there for me? I mean, I don't take the care to put this into actual words very often, but there's people losing their homes left and right; people that can't find jobs; 20 million kids living in poverty - at what point - how many months from now in fruitless job searching would my family get to some kind of crazy breaking point where there is earth-shattering changes to our lives and lifestyle. Cashing in of 401k. Losing of the house. Living in a shelter. Sounds crazy and insane, but my sense is these sorts of things cascade quickly and you can go from Point A to Point X in an awful hurry. In any event, all manner of craziness enters one's mind late at night, when one is exhausted. And when craziness enters one's mind, one doesn't sleep well, which leads to more exhaustion. Rinse, cycle, repeat.

Proove I Groove (Let's Try This Again)

Been working on my piano jazz since I got a couple of intro starter books from Sharon for Christmas, in and around my dislocated finger. Here's my first attempt at a little combo recording, of Phil Peskett's Proove You Groove.

Check-In #6

It's been awhile. I have since determined that my immediate career options fall into a couple of broad categories: One, is staying in GIS and working in a map-production style capacity, probably as a GIS Specialist. Truly, it is work I enjoy. And it's work I would potentially really enjoy, if I were doing it at an organization (think public sector or non-profit), where the mission/culture/etc. were more in line with my personality. As opposed to...oh....say...retail. The other possibility is to use some of my professional experience (both at my last job and in my years of marketing/communications prior) to carve out a communications-y or writing-style role at within a larger geospatial environment.

In the latter of the two options, I actually just had an interview with a photogrammetry/aerial imagery company in a NW suburb. I would be writing technical proposals and presentations - something that I originally thought would be a good use of my "talents," such as they are, but now (following the interview), I'm wondering. While it would remain in the greater sort of "geo" field, a part of it would feel like "what the hell have I been doing for the past eight years?" Like I was picking up where I left off, in the last barely tolerable job I had before my career change. There's a lot to like about the company, but I'm having a little trouble identifying exactly what "doors" this opportunity is opening for me, in whatever path is my future.

Part of the problem is that I was not quite far enough along in the career exploration path with Cindy, prior to the layoff. I still don't know what I don't know.

And the x-factor is the economy, of course. At a certain point, you simply need to have employment.

Beyond the interview, I have a resume in one other place - which is with a county in the SW part of the metro. A bear of a commute, but I'd be doing GIS Specialist work - I would almost certainly enjoy the work and environment. I still don't know about being a GIS/technical guy far, far into the future - but it definitely at least makes sense in terms of the career progression; I'd love to work for a county, and there'd be some aspects of the job where there'd be a lot less riding on my (non)understanding of some of the super-technical aspects of the job (programming/application development) that I'm not so hot on; cause I'd be part of a larger team. The pay would be a little less than what I was making at my last job (and, again, the commute is about 40 minutes with no traffic), but I am totally hoping for this one, relative to the other one.

Much, much more has been transpiring and going on in the overall search process, but these are the two major things that are circulating right now.

Positives

New beginnings.

Glorious day yesterday, sunny and a light breeze and about 50 degrees warmer than just three days prior. The first Spring day. We went for a long, wonderful hike with the girls and our neighbor, Ginger. Over to the river by our house, up to a playground, messing around barefoot in the mud, checking out the riverfront phenology, and looking for brachiopods & their friends on Fossil Hill.

Below is a shot of the girls and me in front of our favorite Cottonwood tree; a true gentle giant.

Oh...and I just got my first interview. Which is "so far, so good," since I've only applied for one job.

Quick Update - Rocky

Indeed, he seems back to normal. Somewhat clumsy, but utterly past his strange, four-day partial paralysis.

The test for FIP came back negative. All tests for anything chronic and awful, even down to irritable bowel symdrom, are negative. Which is amazingly great.

Fearless, playful, and affectionate; he makes life more fun, and I'm so glad he'll be sticking around for awhile. My Rocko.

Gearing Up for Monday

We're supposed to get a call from the pet doctors to talk about tests Rocky was undergoing to detect feline peritonitis. Suddenly, however, we're optimistic. The son of a gun has showed remarkable improvement over the weekend, getting all feisty, lovable, and generally full of piss-and-vinegar, once again. We're wondering if it's possible he had some sort of viral thing - maybe in his inner ear, maybe even in his spine(?). But we'll see what they say tomorrow.

And we now have hot water. And showers are glorious.

And I'm taking tomorrow off. Totally off. Sharon has an appointment in the afternoon, so I'll be hanging out with Rosie, but in the morning I'm thinking about heading over to Columbia Heights to bust out 1,000 layups.

Word.

So, It's Really Been a Two Weeks for the Ages

We're trying to cut down on expenses, with the uncertain financial future that's facing us. To the point where we're drinking powdered milk, exclusively, and Sharon is making our own bread, crackers, cereal, and even yogurt.

But God has other plans for us, apparently. We just plopped down $500 on a new water heater (which, after a week, is still not up & going - it's been bucket bathing by water heated over the stove for 8 days now) and - Jesus Christ, - but Rocky (the cat) has suddenly developed some sort of mysterious debilitating condition where his hind legs aren't working correctly and/or his balance is way off, to the point of tripping and falling over. And we're currently $300 into tests and bloodwork that have ruled out some things (feline luke and inner ear infection), and are still trying to look at other possibilities (heartworm, feline peritonitis, or some time of degenerative brain condition). So here's to hoping for the heartworm.

What IS it with us and our pets, anyway?

I used to fancy myself somewhat of a rock, emotionally. In the big scheme of things, anyway. But in more recent years, it seems like my psychological condition is always precariously balancing on the edge of a precipice. This is most evident in times of stress when I realize I can go from feeling normal to being on edge as a result of a single incident. Sharon & I refer to this as "having very little reserves." I thought I'd sort of mellow out and be able to cope with whatever life throws at me more easily the older I got, but it seems to have sort of worked in the opposite direction. Sharon's theory is that my "ambient stress level" is a little higher, overall, due to the amount of energy and "reserves" spent on our kids. She may be onto something there.

Check-In #5

Should be brief, as I'm going to need to make some time for a little meditation and relaxation before hitting the sack. I've got basketball tomorrow morning.

The last few days have seen a dramatic improvement (I think) in the state of my resume; with the help of my career counselor. The last few days have seen little else, unfortunately. Maybe it's just the psychological fragility speaking, but I feel like the world is conspiring against me being able to devote uninterrupted time in this job search process. A succession of events you would not believe - from water heater replacement ones (putting me on daughter duty) to appoinments by Sharon (also putting me on daughter duty) and me that have sent us piling across town, and last-minute duties related to my theatre's play that opens up in two days, have put me, generally, on edge as I feel like I can't get momentum or traction going on anything. For days on end. It doesn't make sense - I'm unemployed and supposed to have gobs of free time.

As...I...type...(9:20 pm) Lucy is screaming from the other room because she's not asleep yet and I'm ignoring her (she's used up her two "turns"). I'm totally fucking strung out.

We Interrupt These Check-Ins to Bring You...

Lucy's phonetic spelling. She's way into writing; constantly cranking out stories, cards, etc. This particular piece, done at some point during a recent school day, was published in a student submissions section of the school newsletter called "Precious Voice." If can can enlarge her writing, it's not too hard to follow the phonics and figure out what she's getting at. The transcription is at the bottom, if you get stuck.

Check-In #4

2nd lead - from an associate in the GIS industry who seems pretty confident about my ability to get a mapping job which is only being very cryptically described* as, "working for the DoD."

No kidding.

Boy, and I thought I was a fish out of water at BB...

* "you'd be working alongside me"..."can't say more at this point"..."send me your updated resume, like, now"

Check-In #3

Having attended a handful of on-campus, outplacement sessions, continued to do my "networking" and "homework" for Cindy, and laid the groundwork for my service with the outplacement firm BB is providing (thereafter, DBM), I am working from home today.

Crazy - Not sure if this is a nod of respect from my work team acknowledging that it's insane to expect much from me in this time; or if it's the reality of having worked on strategy projects of a highly confidential nature in my time at work; or if it's the ultimate snub, saying "We really don't need you anymore," but they've cut me off. I got an email from the HR team indicating that they were notified by my manager that I have "successfully transitioned" my work and will no longer require access to network drives and company-licensed applications. So basically - at work, I now have Outlook, MS Word, and Excel, and my hard drive.

I'm not complaining.

So basically - I told folks that if there's any other questions they have (they won't, I think they're terrified of me), they can call; but I may only be coming in one or two more times, and then, just to get stuff from my desk.

I'm having some occasional moments of freak-out, where it seems like so many "to-dos" are circulating - and needing to be resolved before I can even proceed with the job search, proper. But I think I am pretty blessed, overall, with an enormous amount of resources (two career counselor services simultaneously running, one of them free - and the additional almost extra month of severance, since I'm getting paid through March 23 before the six-months kick in).

I've had a hard time relaxing, but I'm taking this afternoon off. Treating myself to a cup of coffee at Steamworks, and then a therapeutic massage session (I have three remaining from a package I bought during better times last summer) at a little place right across the street.

Also - I may have come across my first job lead - only incidentally, since I'm not officially in "search mode" yet. Technical writer with a geography background. More on that as/if it develops.

Oh, by the way - our hot water heater burst this morning, sending water shooting all over the basement floor.

Check-In #2

Tuesday morning, sitting at my desk at work.

It is weird, coming in to "work," amongst soon-to-be former co-workers; all of them not sure exactly how to handle having me amongst them, and me involved with almost none of the day-to-day operations of the company. My termination letter actually states that - although I need to remain available to hep with transition of duties - my primary focus is expected to be getting a job. B.B. is offering multiple classes, daily, with names that - remember - would have made me cringe throughout my adult life but now I must go in with a new attitude. Classes like "LinkedIn for Beginners" and "Branding-U." I also went through a couple of sessions yesterday to try and make sense of how my benefits will work over the next year. You know, roll the 401k into a "Traditional" or "Roth" IRA; divest my company stock? (here's my stock tip - if you have BB stock right now - keep it), will the COBRA package that they're picking up the bill on be considered taxable income next tax time? All those annoying, painful financial "life" things that I hate to consider.

But, in the end, everything is optional. So, I can get up without an alarm clock, and just make sure I'm in here in time for my first session of the day, and pretty much head out at the end of the last session, which may be early in the afternoon or not. And do various job search-related activities in between. Or I can choose to not come in at all. Everyone's so gun-shy about trying to ask me for anything, there's really nothing work-related for me to do. And I just pass along every email request I get. At some point, there's going to be a couple of meetings where I truly do the "knowledge transfer" with respect to a lot of the processes I, alone, managed. But I've got a heckuva lot of freedom over this coming month.

Yesterday, after my last session at 1 pm, I headed home to work (on homework from my career counselor) from my computer there. In other times - this is the lifestyle for me. As it is, living life to the fullest is a bit crimped. Psychologically, there's a bit of a wet blanket over anything. But also - there's little things like "no coffeeshops." Our unofficial budget (we haven't had the chance to sit down and line it all out in Quicken yet) allows only for coffee, sans-pastry, in one family visit on Saturday mornings. So I've been French Pressing it every morning & bringing in the travel mug. So, in short, no hanging out at the coffee shop on my free afternoons.

Working from home, I was trying to assemble the myriad handouts I've gotten from Cindy (the cc), and try to start assembling names for my "network," and do a couple of other things - and also kind of prepare for a job fair they've got happening here at work tomorrow (outside employers), when I had a minor freak-out. I think it got better, but mainly cause I just shut down after that and switched gears to greeting my family after Sharon got home with the girls. I did not return to job stuff after that.

First of Numerous Check-Ins

Something I've kind of determined I'm going to do: try to stay on a semi-regular blogging schedule in order to sort of tie down various strands that are floating about in these uncertain times and kind of "get my story straight" for you guys. In and amidst a phone call I may make here and there, there may be some repeating of some stuff from time to time, but I think getting stuff down in the written word can help coalesce what is sometimes only lurking in the shadows of one's minute-to-minute conscious thought. Plus - you all know that bouncing things off friends is one of the ways I work myself through a lot of life's shit. So please - chime in if you have any thoughts, at any point.

So - Thursday night (the night after the layoff), I was surprised (though perhaps I shouldn't have been) to have an utterly fitful and sleepless night. One of my worst ever; especially considering I'd not had a great night of sleep the night before and was drowsy while hanging out with my family earlier in the day. This is a difficult thing for me to admit in light of all the anti-corporate & "Barad-Dur" talk through all the years, but I'd invested a fair amount of my energy & attention into this last job. I mean, it demanded a lot of me, and over time, that will tend to suck you in, to a point. And without going into too much detail about "the value I added to the business," I will say that it was truly a surprise to me that I was among those let go; and - dammit - it did feel like a slap in the face. So - after an awesome, chummy evening where Gibbs & I hung out on the phone for a while, I suffered through a hellish night where my brain simply would not turn off. I slept for two hours. I know a lot of people will say they slept for two hours and they maybe don't really know. But truly - I slept for two hours, no more.

I'd thought about going into work the next day (remember, they're keeping me on for a month), but after the night I had - fuck that. I had, wisely, pre-scheduled an appointment with my career counselor for this day. By the way - did I mention that I've been seeing a career counselor for a little over a month? Related - and, in fact, driving that whole talk of future scenarios (including the one about beinga sexy librarian).

I decided to wear my dumpy "unemployment clothes" (my 1994-era Timberwolves sweatshirt and a pair of gray cargo pants), and spent little time beforehand in a local library checking out the "career center." I was filing through some of the printouts talking about "networking" groups meeting in local churches and resume-writing classes offered by the State of Minnesota, when realized I actually had some tears near-welling up in my eyes. Kind of perfect storm of the exhaustion, the layoff, the prospect of my family of four having just lost our lifeline, and me, sitting here at age 38, thinking, "so, it's come to this." That was kind of the low daytime point I've had so far.

In my meeting with Cindy (my c. counselor) not long after, she was offering me some pretty hopeful overall assessments; in addition to sort of giving me permission to be easy on myself for a few days, she also assured me that, with my six-month (seven-month, if you consider the month of remaining employment) severence, I have time to "do this right" (her words). My newish dream of being librarian (children's book specialist) or school librarian - she told me point blank, "this is not just a dream - this is very do-able." The whole thing is about not ever accepting a job again that is just kind of repeating the cycle of getting something that is not moving me towards a goal, but simply not quite crappy enough to leave. More on this later, but my next few steps involve finding out the difference between what my perception is of the job requirements of a number of occupations, and what job listings actually say. That, and starting a major "networking" effort. I tell you, there is so much for me to unlearn. The idea of and even the word "networking" has always made me cringe. But looking at how close I am to where I want to be career-wise, 15+ years out of college, has got me considering I might not be entirely unlike George Costanza in that episode where he decided to start doing the exact opposite of every single inclination he had, and things suddenly started looking up.

This is getting a little long, but it was a crazy first few days. I will say that Sharon & I, with the assistance of a babysitter, were able to get away for a great talk for a couple of hours on Saturday, and I've found her to be a lot more willing to consider multiple scenarios (some of which involve her back in the workforce and Rosie going to Lucy's school), than I had worried she might be. And I've slept better each night since Thursday, though I'm sort of feeling like tonight might be a bit of a setback, as I'll be setting foot back in that place again, tomorrow. It's going to be a really weird feeling, and a little humiliating to walk back to my cube amongst my co-workers. Dead man walking.

But I'm expected to be there, for most of the days at least, in order to receive my severence. Plus, they are actually offering a number of outplacement resources, on-campus, as many of which I will avail myself as I am able. Other than that, I'll be forwarding along a lot of emails and saying, "My last days is..." and "...you'll need to talk to..." and/or simply deleting them; and doing career counseling "homework" with impunity. And getting up without an alarm clock every day. And wearing jeans every day. And not eating out.

Anyway - that's check in one. All the other check-ins will probably be much shorter.

The Hammer Drops

I was just let go. My last day of employment will be the 23rd of March. They're theoretically "...transitioning away from the kind of work" I do, which I suspect may be a little more difficult than they currently believe, once I'm gone - but I'm going to have a lot of flexibility to come & go & job search with imputity on work time over the next 30 days.

More as my "throwing my hat into the ring" story develops.

In Other News...

Tomorrow is the day when I find out if I still have a job. Having gone through a "voluntary" round of job reductions, my company now has determined that they need to take that next step - and we've all been waiting about a month and a half for this day of gloom.

Even if stay on, many others will have their employment involuntarily terminated - it's going to be awful.