Many days, I’m helping move kids along from the moment I roll out of bed, and I don’t really slow down from some level of childcare until nearly nine. I finish the day and my head is just buzzing and I look at Sharon with a dazed expression on my face and say, "What the hell just happened?" And I look at friends with no kids - their freewheeling, spontaneous lifestyle and (seemingly) scads of disposable income and experience sudden moments of something like envy.
But when things are on, they're on. The magic of a squirly, playful, snuggly little body that squeezes up next to me. Curious little minds and crazy ideas. Instances when I catch a glimpse of something that makes me catch my breath and say, "Wow - is that something that came from me?" Other times, a sudden wonderment - "Is this for real? Me, and this amazing, beautiful little creature? And I'm her...daddy?" Moments I would be content to capture and relive for eternity. On a daily basis.
Daddyhood: The toughest job you'll ever love.
And now - a quick step back: I look at Rose at age 5 and there's so many things to like. Permit me to take a moment to congratulate myself. "Way to go so far, man. Way to go."
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Sunday, May 08, 2011
The Ghost of Fremont Ave Strikes Again!!!
I shit you not - the music box in my girls' room spontaneously started playing two times right before 11:00 pm tonight. My girls were both fast asleep, and both times, the music (just a few notes in slow-ish succession) stopped right before I could get in there & check.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
March for the Middle Class
I was at this demonstration yesterday. Of late, I've been trying to strike that very careful balance between being effectively informed & involved in politics of the day without just seeking out those bits of sensationalism ("what did Michelle Bachman say today?!?!?") that serve to whip me up with no discernible return on the emotional investment. But it seems to me that this whole "class warfare" thing, in which the Republican Party has effectively managed to direct public ire and legislative activity away from millionaires & billionaires and focus it on the working class, may end up being a tremendous overreach. At least I'm hoping it will be. It should be, and right now it seems that it might be one singular issue on which the historically scatter-shot Democrats may be able to make a little political hay. In an abstract sense, most people are for the little guy, aren't they?
ANYWAY, to this end, I attended yesterday's March for the Middle Class (which I really wish would have been called "March for the Working Class," but maybe they are really trying to cast this net of popular appeal as wide as they can - as almost everyone sees themselves as middle class). But I wanted to do my part on helping this movement have a show of force, and I wanted Lucy to see, as I said on Facebook, that there are some things her daddy thinks are worth fighting for.
So, we went. Here is the Star Tribune write-up.
etc.
ANYWAY, to this end, I attended yesterday's March for the Middle Class (which I really wish would have been called "March for the Working Class," but maybe they are really trying to cast this net of popular appeal as wide as they can - as almost everyone sees themselves as middle class). But I wanted to do my part on helping this movement have a show of force, and I wanted Lucy to see, as I said on Facebook, that there are some things her daddy thinks are worth fighting for.
So, we went. Here is the Star Tribune write-up.
I kept going between getting a little caught up in the emotion of the event, and just simply being fascinated at the sociological exhibition on display. Especially the chant leaders, and the expectation that the crowd would pick up the chant. As near as I can tell, it is ESSENTIAL at a rally like this to have some sort of fervent chant going at all times, or you totally risk losing energy & focus; which could just kill an event of that size (couple thousand or so). But, you only have 10-12 total chant lines that you can call upon, if you expect the crowd to know what to chant back.
“Who does the work?!”
“WE DO!!!”
Or
“No justice!”
“NO PEACE!!!”
Or
“Ne-go-ti-ate”
“DON’T LE-GIS-LATE!!!”
etc.
I find myself more comfortable with responding to some chants than others, but in order to help make the rally effective, I decided it's probably necessary for me to take part in them all, just at varying levels of volume & energy.
I've been to a couple of political rallies prior, but never an official "march" or "demonstration." It was very, very peaceful. No counter-protesters. Some PA problems when the speech portion began (which also can really kill the energy). One guy tried to get me to donate to a Socialist newspaper. I didn't want to get in an argument, but I did feel like that sort of presence is the last thing the demonstration needed. Were Fox News to have been there, that would have undoubtedly been their first piece of video shot. Other than that - nothing too surprising. I will mention two particular highlights for me:
1. During the "assembly" before the march, Lucy & I were hanging out by the road. Cars were driving by and gaping at this mass of demonstrators. About a third of the cars were honking in support, and we'd always give them a raucous cheer in response. At one point, a St. Paul Fire engine happened by, and as they did they just laid on the fucking horn for about twenty seconds, which resulted in a tremendous response from the assembled. The chills that went up my neck were real and dynamite.
2. During the speech portion (after the march), one of the speakers was interrupted by an announcement that he relayed: the harbormasters' union of San Fransisco had just shut down the port of the city in support of the Minnesota protesters. Solidarity, right? Another electric moment for me.
That's all. Peace. Out.
That's all. Peace. Out.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Into....?
or "The Awaited 'Happy Post' ‘The Pre-Happy Post’"
Towards the end of 2010, Sharon & I started attending couples counseling sessions.
We've always known we had a good thing going. Sharon & I align almost identically along political and world views, and are of similar mind on issues ranging from appreciation of early 20th Century film noir to child-rearing philosophy. But when we have differences - we don't confront them head on; we bury them. We also have dealt with ongoing issues related to intimacy which, without revealing the innards of an issue which is far too complex to get into in this forum, I will simply say finally came to a point of being (that word again) stuck. Stuck at a point where we needed some sort of outside intervention.
I credit Sharon as being the one who finally arranged for our counselor. I cannot emphasize the significance of this highly enough. It was a great affirmation for me, who was (as later came to the surface in our sessions) feeling increasingly shut out of Sharon's personal struggles. An affirmation that our relationship was a priority that needed to be dealt with a similar degree of priority, and that everything was connected. A lot of great things have been put in motion as a result of our sessions. We both enter the process, it seems, willing to accept responsibility for how we have, to paraphrase Sting, laid assorted mines throughout our past among which we now walk.
A little prior to us going into the couples sessions, Sharon hooked up with a new psychologist, who I will call "B." And in taking great care to respect as least some degree of privacy regarding their work together, I will say that Sharon is being "pushed" into uncomfortable, but (I believe) necessary territory in a way I have never seen in her history of therapy. And not only that, but I have been invited into "the process" for the first time ever. I was even invited in to a session, so psychologist, client, and spouse could all get on the same page. "B" also wants to keep tabs on where we are at in our couples' therapy and even aspects of Sharon's "woo woo" work. The plan is to get all aspects working in concert, and to make sure we're keeping things moving forward, with homework & concrete achievable goals, however modest. And don't start grasping when things get desperate. Stay in the moment. It's very Jedi-like.
In the time since my last post, Sharon actually went through another rough patch. This is not a quick fix, here. But I feel like the foundation is there - that she (we) have a stable base to descend to when the tower gets tippy.
Towards the end of 2010, Sharon & I started attending couples counseling sessions.
We've always known we had a good thing going. Sharon & I align almost identically along political and world views, and are of similar mind on issues ranging from appreciation of early 20th Century film noir to child-rearing philosophy. But when we have differences - we don't confront them head on; we bury them. We also have dealt with ongoing issues related to intimacy which, without revealing the innards of an issue which is far too complex to get into in this forum, I will simply say finally came to a point of being (that word again) stuck. Stuck at a point where we needed some sort of outside intervention.
I credit Sharon as being the one who finally arranged for our counselor. I cannot emphasize the significance of this highly enough. It was a great affirmation for me, who was (as later came to the surface in our sessions) feeling increasingly shut out of Sharon's personal struggles. An affirmation that our relationship was a priority that needed to be dealt with a similar degree of priority, and that everything was connected. A lot of great things have been put in motion as a result of our sessions. We both enter the process, it seems, willing to accept responsibility for how we have, to paraphrase Sting, laid assorted mines throughout our past among which we now walk.
A little prior to us going into the couples sessions, Sharon hooked up with a new psychologist, who I will call "B." And in taking great care to respect as least some degree of privacy regarding their work together, I will say that Sharon is being "pushed" into uncomfortable, but (I believe) necessary territory in a way I have never seen in her history of therapy. And not only that, but I have been invited into "the process" for the first time ever. I was even invited in to a session, so psychologist, client, and spouse could all get on the same page. "B" also wants to keep tabs on where we are at in our couples' therapy and even aspects of Sharon's "woo woo" work. The plan is to get all aspects working in concert, and to make sure we're keeping things moving forward, with homework & concrete achievable goals, however modest. And don't start grasping when things get desperate. Stay in the moment. It's very Jedi-like.
In the time since my last post, Sharon actually went through another rough patch. This is not a quick fix, here. But I feel like the foundation is there - that she (we) have a stable base to descend to when the tower gets tippy.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Out of Discombobulation, and Into....?
I have recounted to various members of my readership, and to varying degrees, the amazing amount of discombobulation which pervaded almost all happenings of my family in 2010, but I'll see how concise I can make the recap here:
BACKGROUND:
1. Sharon has a history of depression, which is rooted in experiences from her childhood, but which hit full flower in her adulthood.
2. I have been a very supportive husband through the years.
3. After 12-13 years of marriage, the ongoing mental ilness was making Sharon feel (understatement of the century alert!) frustrated and stuck.
4. After 12-13 years of marriage, my ability to be a supportive husband was beginning to feel its own strain.
5. All of this going on in and about everyday turmoil of life, including but not limited to: raising two kids, unemployment & subsequent employment, various ebbs & flows in personal endeavors & pursuits, ever-present financial concerns.
6. In 2009-2010, Sharon began exploring what I will, to borrow a phrase from a friend, simply refer to as "her 'woo-woo' stuff:" A series of alternative therapies & "energy work," out of pure desperation to get un-stuck.
7. I am skeptical of the scientific substance behind a lot of what she is exploring (and spending a lot of money on), but I also pride myself on Dismissing Nothing.
8. And, for whatever reason - for the first time in her life - Things Began Moving. This has been, alternately, incredibly promising and terrifying. What used to be months'-long slogs through a depressive fog has become pretty crazy, shorter, swings between feeling like she's on the verge of a new tomorrow and feeling like she wishes she was not alive.
9. A group of you gents got to see some of this first hand, last June, when The Fellowship was broken just a little prematurely out of the need to rush Sharon to the ER in the midst of a panic attack. That was pretty extreme, but there's been a lot of that sort of thing.
10. This past Fall - I was looking forward to Letting Things Go. For the first time in my adult life, I was not going to be in a band, in school, or in a theater company. A blessed, indefinite (& possibly permanent) stretch of down-time in which I could luxuriate and pursue nothing but my own pleasures on my own time. Wow - and remember, I now have a 6-minute commute, an inspiring career, and everything on the surface seems to be going my way.
11. Yet somehow, I entered the dead of Winter showing a number of signs of stress and was having a hard time figuring out how that could be, in light of #10.
12. That's when I remembered #s 1-9.
This is kind of the scary, bad post. I've got a happier follow-up post coming.
BACKGROUND:
1. Sharon has a history of depression, which is rooted in experiences from her childhood, but which hit full flower in her adulthood.
2. I have been a very supportive husband through the years.
3. After 12-13 years of marriage, the ongoing mental ilness was making Sharon feel (understatement of the century alert!) frustrated and stuck.
4. After 12-13 years of marriage, my ability to be a supportive husband was beginning to feel its own strain.
5. All of this going on in and about everyday turmoil of life, including but not limited to: raising two kids, unemployment & subsequent employment, various ebbs & flows in personal endeavors & pursuits, ever-present financial concerns.
6. In 2009-2010, Sharon began exploring what I will, to borrow a phrase from a friend, simply refer to as "her 'woo-woo' stuff:" A series of alternative therapies & "energy work," out of pure desperation to get un-stuck.
7. I am skeptical of the scientific substance behind a lot of what she is exploring (and spending a lot of money on), but I also pride myself on Dismissing Nothing.
8. And, for whatever reason - for the first time in her life - Things Began Moving. This has been, alternately, incredibly promising and terrifying. What used to be months'-long slogs through a depressive fog has become pretty crazy, shorter, swings between feeling like she's on the verge of a new tomorrow and feeling like she wishes she was not alive.
9. A group of you gents got to see some of this first hand, last June, when The Fellowship was broken just a little prematurely out of the need to rush Sharon to the ER in the midst of a panic attack. That was pretty extreme, but there's been a lot of that sort of thing.
10. This past Fall - I was looking forward to Letting Things Go. For the first time in my adult life, I was not going to be in a band, in school, or in a theater company. A blessed, indefinite (& possibly permanent) stretch of down-time in which I could luxuriate and pursue nothing but my own pleasures on my own time. Wow - and remember, I now have a 6-minute commute, an inspiring career, and everything on the surface seems to be going my way.
11. Yet somehow, I entered the dead of Winter showing a number of signs of stress and was having a hard time figuring out how that could be, in light of #10.
12. That's when I remembered #s 1-9.
This is kind of the scary, bad post. I've got a happier follow-up post coming.
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