Remembering 44 On This Day

Through an employee auction at my work, I just scored a VHS-DVR dual deck recorder and have begun the process of bringing old video tapes: basketball games w/friends, old TCA projects from college, and (not the least) old 44 videos.

That kind of kicked me back into gear on the old tape to CD conversion I began last summer. an attempt at archiving past, taped, musical endeavors (chronicled on two consecutive posts, one sad and wistful, and one somewhat more hopeful.

Anyway - another song here from that time period where 44 was in its prime, such as that was, with artistic true-seeing constrained within the limits of twice a week practices. This is a live, practice space recording of a Dan-penned song, sometime in the spring of 1999, I See You When I Can.

I'd had the chorus running through my head for a couple of years. In the genre of songs that had to do with Sharon living far away and not being very accessible, but playfully, with a "Green Eggs and Ham" sort of idea playing itself out: "I see you when I can/I'd see you in a van/I'd see you in Japan/etc etc. Couldn't get any farther than that. Then I decided to pursue an idea I'd always wanted to try - as a lark, but it seemed to work. Using the chord progression - literally - of A, B, C, D, E. You hear this at the beginning and we return to it a couple of more times. Gibbs wrote the freaky stalker sort of words at the very end, which I embraced within this song which was more just a fun departure than any true expression of feelings. Also - in an "I buried Paul" sort of moment, with a close listen in the final chorus, you might just catch something that sounds like "I eat my sausage from a can."

Recording is with a single mic on a regular old tape deck, so there's no accounting for quality - but I think it sounds like a band having fun. Hopefully, you can spare five minutes, and hopefully you enjoy this.

I See You When I Can

Still Here

It's crazy - this is probably the longest break between posts I've had since entering the Blogosphere back in - what - 2004?

Doubly crazy; one would think I'd have more time for bloggin', as I am theoretically dialing it back a notch and taking time to be with my family for a few months and not leave Sharon with as big of the parenthood load; especially during a period of time when Rose is at such a high-needs stage of development.

But I've been tired, lately. Very tired, and in a way that is different than my chronic state of being underslept, to which I'm pretty accustomed, After a number of weeks of going to bed crazily early (for me, anyway, that means prior to 10:30 pm), I was unable to feel any more rested. Of course, the fact that I was able to drag myself to bed that early at all should have tipped me off that something was amiss. Following on the heels of this mental & physical exhaustion came a melancholy feeling, and an eerie suspicion began to grow in my mind that I was dealing with the outer fringes of some mild form of depression. No ambition to take care of even very simple household responsibilities, and minor reminders of our strained financial situation was sending my mind reeling into a black, hopeless state. What was/is the cause? Culprits:

• Work has been nuts. We're in the (long, drawn-out) process of converting over to a GIS that will benefit my future career aspirations in a great way; however, right now there is a steep learning curve plus all the development & work that goes into the actual conversion of our data & way of doing business plus my normal workload which is, of course, a full-time job. This is just exhausting me. I've been coming home and literally wanting to just drop my bag and keel over. Of course (with a 4-year old running up to me and squealing "Daddy! Daddy!"), that's not an option. Of course, Lucy's vitality is sustaining & infectious to a point, but I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't understand Ward Cleaver's need to spend a few quiet minutes when he first got home, unwinding on the friggin couch.
• Pyschologists might suggest that over the past two years, as I've been so busy, I've submerged some pretty fairly traumatic experiences with the need to keep plugging away and not missing a beat. Now that my post-daughter-bedtime evenings are consisting of noodling away on a computer while Lucy falls asleep on a chair behind me - and little else, I'm paying some emotive back taxes.
• Maybe I really DO need to be busy, and I don't know how to cope.
• Post-partum depression? Or just baby-blues?
• Lack of time with my spouse? Sharon & I have often, in our nearly 9 years of married life, been able to trace irritableness and frustration in life to our inability to find time together. That, appears to run counter to a vast majority of our society, but good for us. Bad for us, though (bad for us spending time together - not bad in the long run, we hope), is the extent to which our parenting techniques are aligned with those in the attachment parenting philosophy. It means that Rose is rarely put down, and usually "slung" by Sharon, and that Sharon's life regulated entirely by Rose's sleeping schedule and feeding habits. It was the same thing when Lucy was a baby - but Lucy didn't have a 4 year old sister vying for parental interaction. It's two on two and we're playing man to man defense, which often draws us off to opposite sides of the court. Tough to have grown up conversations, and with Rose waking Sharon up at 5:30 - 6:00 every morning (and Sharon going to bed necessarily early), we're not finding time together in the evenings, either.

So - what is it? Increasingly realizing as I grow older that we don't actually live in the black-and-white world that our president sees, I am a champion of the concept of the Nuanced World. As such, I realize that all the above factors are probably affecting me. I am actually finding motivation to turn this post out today because I've been feeling a possible change in the weather the past couple of days. I may be coming out of it, whatever it has been. Tiredness-be-damned, I've stayed up tll past midnight two nights in a row, and actually appear to be no worse for the wear. I'm operating at a high level at work (just not here, now, as I type), and feeling a little motitvated to take on a minor project or two (one that won't draw me away from home, mind you). Here's to the crack of dawn that comes to vanquish each of our own horrible nights, in our own ways.