Doubly crazy; one would think I'd have more time for bloggin', as I am theoretically dialing it back a notch and taking time to be with my family for a few months and not leave Sharon with as big of the parenthood load; especially during a period of time when Rose is at such a high-needs stage of development.
But I've been tired, lately. Very tired, and in a way that is different than my chronic state of being underslept, to which I'm pretty accustomed, After a number of weeks of going to bed crazily early (for me, anyway, that means prior to 10:30 pm), I was unable to feel any more rested. Of course, the fact that I was able to drag myself to bed that early at all should have tipped me off that something was amiss. Following on the heels of this mental & physical exhaustion came a melancholy feeling, and an eerie suspicion began to grow in my mind that I was dealing with the outer fringes of some mild form of depression. No ambition to take care of even very simple household responsibilities, and minor reminders of our strained financial situation was sending my mind reeling into a black, hopeless state. What was/is the cause? Culprits:
- Work has been nuts. We're in the (long, drawn-out) process of converting over to a GIS that will benefit my future career aspirations in a great way; however, right now there is a steep learning curve plus all the development & work that goes into the actual conversion of our data & way of doing business plus my normal workload which is, of course, a full-time job. This is just exhausting me. I've been coming home and literally wanting to just drop my bag and keel over. Of course (with a 4-year old running up to me and squealing "Daddy! Daddy!"), that's not an option. Of course, Lucy's vitality is sustaining & infectious to a point, but I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't understand Ward Cleaver's need to spend a few quiet minutes when he first got home, unwinding on the friggin couch.
- Pyschologists might suggest that over the past two years, as I've been so busy, I've submerged some pretty fairly traumatic experiences with the need to keep plugging away and not missing a beat. Now that my post-daughter-bedtime evenings are consisting of noodling away on a computer while Lucy falls asleep on a chair behind me - and little else, I'm paying some emotive back taxes.
- Maybe I really DO need to be busy, and I don't know how to cope.
- Post-partum depression? Or just baby-blues?
- Lack of time with my spouse? Sharon & I have often, in our nearly 9 years of married life, been able to trace irritableness and frustration in life to our inability to find time together. That, appears to run counter to a vast majority of our society, but good for us. Bad for us, though (bad for us spending time together - not bad in the long run, we hope), is the extent to which our parenting techniques are aligned with those in the attachment parenting philosophy. It means that Rose is rarely put down, and usually "slung" by Sharon, and that Sharon's life regulated entirely by Rose's sleeping schedule and feeding habits. It was the same thing when Lucy was a baby - but Lucy didn't have a 4 year old sister vying for parental interaction. It's two on two and we're playing man to man defense, which often draws us off to opposite sides of the court. Tough to have grown up conversations, and with Rose waking Sharon up at 5:30 - 6:00 every morning (and Sharon going to bed necessarily early), we're not finding time together in the evenings, either.
So - what is it? Increasingly realizing as I grow older that we don't actually live in the black-and-white world that our president sees, I am a champion of the concept of the Nuanced World. As such, I realize that all the above factors are probably affecting me. I am actually finding motivation to turn this post out today because I've been feeling a possible change in the weather the past couple of days. I may be coming out of it, whatever it has been. Tiredness-be-damned, I've stayed up tll past midnight two nights in a row, and actually appear to be no worse for the wear. I'm operating at a high level at work (just not here, now, as I type), and feeling a little motitvated to take on a minor project or two (one that won't draw me away from home, mind you). Here's to the crack of dawn that comes to vanquish each of our own horrible nights, in our own ways.
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16 comments:
Interesting stuff.
It seems conceivable to me that you simply ran out of gas, physically/emotionally every which way but loose-ly. In video game terms your heart meter dropped to a perilous low and it just taking some time to wind things back up. Short of coming across a power-up hidden in the ceiling at BBY, time may be the only cure.
Obviously you guys know from depression so I wouldn't want to minimize that potential aspect of it, but if you feel you're turning the corner, great.
I certainly find myself in unproductive periods where I'm hard pressed to accomplish much of anything. I probably find myself in those a couple of times a year. I am quite susceptible to periods of inertia.
Are they accompanied by the blues?
Sometimes.
Sometimes I just feel like 'why the hell can't I get motivated' and then I hear a harmonica.
Word verification: olffjunk
Play some sad country songs. They will make you feel a lot better or a lot worse. It's a gamble.
Seriously, knowing that you are in a funk means that you are not too far gone. Solider on brother! Think of the joy and fun we are going to have Ingawanis next Saturday.
There will be some fun and probably some stress as a result of divided attention.
Maybe it's because I have minimal connection to the place, but Ingawanis is really in a rut.
Like anything, it is what you make it to be. You can let the rut drag you down further, or you can see it in a different light. I hope more fun then stress will be found on that scout infested ground.
It will definitely be a different sort of dynamic. I have cautiously high hopes.
90% of my energy will have to go to parenting duties; and as such, there won't be a ton of time for forest footballl and/or creating fun out of nothing for Sean's kids. That said, I look forward to a hike, the usual Pizza Hut stop, and perhaps a night nike by Cory & me to chill down by Wakota Creek for a spell.
Who's all particpating in this? I assumed it was just a Sturdy Clog Joint.
Nine, all told.
Three CF Hyltons.
Four MN Hyltons.
Two CF Levenduskies.
It is, in some ways, AN INSANE VENTURE.
9 huh?
I wonder why that sounds familiar.
We know who the hobbits are - all the children except Emily.
Emily may be Legolas.
Sharon gets to be Gandalf.
I leave you with Aragorn.
The last two are a toss-up.
Depending on my mood, Clog is leaning towards Gimli, with Sean as Boromir. They could be swapped but I think Sean has fewer traits of Gimli while Clog is pretty equal.
Funny! And perfect.
Holy cow - Emily IS Legolas, isn't she?
Among that group there is no question.
She may not be a relentless killing machine, but she is quite elfen.
How did I go from Sam to a Dwarf?
You, my friend, are only Sam where Gibbons is concerned. And even then, you might just try and steal the ring and replace it with a cracked ring that Frodo has to return to the scuba store while missing a Kansas home game.
I was in a completely unproductive period this spring. I hated the way it felt, and I have a terrible habit of going around in circles about stuff. I have no way of getting through it, per se. I have the luxury of setting aside time for sleep, something I suspect you do not have so much of.
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