Check-In #4

2nd lead - from an associate in the GIS industry who seems pretty confident about my ability to get a mapping job which is only being very cryptically described* as, "working for the DoD."

No kidding.

Boy, and I thought I was a fish out of water at BB...

* "you'd be working alongside me"..."can't say more at this point"..."send me your updated resume, like, now"

Check-In #3

Having attended a handful of on-campus, outplacement sessions, continued to do my "networking" and "homework" for Cindy, and laid the groundwork for my service with the outplacement firm BB is providing (thereafter, DBM), I am working from home today.

Crazy - Not sure if this is a nod of respect from my work team acknowledging that it's insane to expect much from me in this time; or if it's the reality of having worked on strategy projects of a highly confidential nature in my time at work; or if it's the ultimate snub, saying "We really don't need you anymore," but they've cut me off. I got an email from the HR team indicating that they were notified by my manager that I have "successfully transitioned" my work and will no longer require access to network drives and company-licensed applications. So basically - at work, I now have Outlook, MS Word, and Excel, and my hard drive.

I'm not complaining.

So basically - I told folks that if there's any other questions they have (they won't, I think they're terrified of me), they can call; but I may only be coming in one or two more times, and then, just to get stuff from my desk.

I'm having some occasional moments of freak-out, where it seems like so many "to-dos" are circulating - and needing to be resolved before I can even proceed with the job search, proper. But I think I am pretty blessed, overall, with an enormous amount of resources (two career counselor services simultaneously running, one of them free - and the additional almost extra month of severance, since I'm getting paid through March 23 before the six-months kick in).

I've had a hard time relaxing, but I'm taking this afternoon off. Treating myself to a cup of coffee at Steamworks, and then a therapeutic massage session (I have three remaining from a package I bought during better times last summer) at a little place right across the street.

Also - I may have come across my first job lead - only incidentally, since I'm not officially in "search mode" yet. Technical writer with a geography background. More on that as/if it develops.

Oh, by the way - our hot water heater burst this morning, sending water shooting all over the basement floor.

Check-In #2

Tuesday morning, sitting at my desk at work.

It is weird, coming in to "work," amongst soon-to-be former co-workers; all of them not sure exactly how to handle having me amongst them, and me involved with almost none of the day-to-day operations of the company. My termination letter actually states that - although I need to remain available to hep with transition of duties - my primary focus is expected to be getting a job. B.B. is offering multiple classes, daily, with names that - remember - would have made me cringe throughout my adult life but now I must go in with a new attitude. Classes like "LinkedIn for Beginners" and "Branding-U." I also went through a couple of sessions yesterday to try and make sense of how my benefits will work over the next year. You know, roll the 401k into a "Traditional" or "Roth" IRA; divest my company stock? (here's my stock tip - if you have BB stock right now - keep it), will the COBRA package that they're picking up the bill on be considered taxable income next tax time? All those annoying, painful financial "life" things that I hate to consider.

But, in the end, everything is optional. So, I can get up without an alarm clock, and just make sure I'm in here in time for my first session of the day, and pretty much head out at the end of the last session, which may be early in the afternoon or not. And do various job search-related activities in between. Or I can choose to not come in at all. Everyone's so gun-shy about trying to ask me for anything, there's really nothing work-related for me to do. And I just pass along every email request I get. At some point, there's going to be a couple of meetings where I truly do the "knowledge transfer" with respect to a lot of the processes I, alone, managed. But I've got a heckuva lot of freedom over this coming month.

Yesterday, after my last session at 1 pm, I headed home to work (on homework from my career counselor) from my computer there. In other times - this is the lifestyle for me. As it is, living life to the fullest is a bit crimped. Psychologically, there's a bit of a wet blanket over anything. But also - there's little things like "no coffeeshops." Our unofficial budget (we haven't had the chance to sit down and line it all out in Quicken yet) allows only for coffee, sans-pastry, in one family visit on Saturday mornings. So I've been French Pressing it every morning & bringing in the travel mug. So, in short, no hanging out at the coffee shop on my free afternoons.

Working from home, I was trying to assemble the myriad handouts I've gotten from Cindy (the cc), and try to start assembling names for my "network," and do a couple of other things - and also kind of prepare for a job fair they've got happening here at work tomorrow (outside employers), when I had a minor freak-out. I think it got better, but mainly cause I just shut down after that and switched gears to greeting my family after Sharon got home with the girls. I did not return to job stuff after that.

First of Numerous Check-Ins

Something I've kind of determined I'm going to do: try to stay on a semi-regular blogging schedule in order to sort of tie down various strands that are floating about in these uncertain times and kind of "get my story straight" for you guys. In and amidst a phone call I may make here and there, there may be some repeating of some stuff from time to time, but I think getting stuff down in the written word can help coalesce what is sometimes only lurking in the shadows of one's minute-to-minute conscious thought. Plus - you all know that bouncing things off friends is one of the ways I work myself through a lot of life's shit. So please - chime in if you have any thoughts, at any point.

So - Thursday night (the night after the layoff), I was surprised (though perhaps I shouldn't have been) to have an utterly fitful and sleepless night. One of my worst ever; especially considering I'd not had a great night of sleep the night before and was drowsy while hanging out with my family earlier in the day. This is a difficult thing for me to admit in light of all the anti-corporate & "Barad-Dur" talk through all the years, but I'd invested a fair amount of my energy & attention into this last job. I mean, it demanded a lot of me, and over time, that will tend to suck you in, to a point. And without going into too much detail about "the value I added to the business," I will say that it was truly a surprise to me that I was among those let go; and - dammit - it did feel like a slap in the face. So - after an awesome, chummy evening where Gibbs & I hung out on the phone for a while, I suffered through a hellish night where my brain simply would not turn off. I slept for two hours. I know a lot of people will say they slept for two hours and they maybe don't really know. But truly - I slept for two hours, no more.

I'd thought about going into work the next day (remember, they're keeping me on for a month), but after the night I had - fuck that. I had, wisely, pre-scheduled an appointment with my career counselor for this day. By the way - did I mention that I've been seeing a career counselor for a little over a month? Related - and, in fact, driving that whole talk of future scenarios (including the one about beinga sexy librarian).

I decided to wear my dumpy "unemployment clothes" (my 1994-era Timberwolves sweatshirt and a pair of gray cargo pants), and spent little time beforehand in a local library checking out the "career center." I was filing through some of the printouts talking about "networking" groups meeting in local churches and resume-writing classes offered by the State of Minnesota, when realized I actually had some tears near-welling up in my eyes. Kind of perfect storm of the exhaustion, the layoff, the prospect of my family of four having just lost our lifeline, and me, sitting here at age 38, thinking, "so, it's come to this." That was kind of the low daytime point I've had so far.

In my meeting with Cindy (my c. counselor) not long after, she was offering me some pretty hopeful overall assessments; in addition to sort of giving me permission to be easy on myself for a few days, she also assured me that, with my six-month (seven-month, if you consider the month of remaining employment) severence, I have time to "do this right" (her words). My newish dream of being librarian (children's book specialist) or school librarian - she told me point blank, "this is not just a dream - this is very do-able." The whole thing is about not ever accepting a job again that is just kind of repeating the cycle of getting something that is not moving me towards a goal, but simply not quite crappy enough to leave. More on this later, but my next few steps involve finding out the difference between what my perception is of the job requirements of a number of occupations, and what job listings actually say. That, and starting a major "networking" effort. I tell you, there is so much for me to unlearn. The idea of and even the word "networking" has always made me cringe. But looking at how close I am to where I want to be career-wise, 15+ years out of college, has got me considering I might not be entirely unlike George Costanza in that episode where he decided to start doing the exact opposite of every single inclination he had, and things suddenly started looking up.

This is getting a little long, but it was a crazy first few days. I will say that Sharon & I, with the assistance of a babysitter, were able to get away for a great talk for a couple of hours on Saturday, and I've found her to be a lot more willing to consider multiple scenarios (some of which involve her back in the workforce and Rosie going to Lucy's school), than I had worried she might be. And I've slept better each night since Thursday, though I'm sort of feeling like tonight might be a bit of a setback, as I'll be setting foot back in that place again, tomorrow. It's going to be a really weird feeling, and a little humiliating to walk back to my cube amongst my co-workers. Dead man walking.

But I'm expected to be there, for most of the days at least, in order to receive my severence. Plus, they are actually offering a number of outplacement resources, on-campus, as many of which I will avail myself as I am able. Other than that, I'll be forwarding along a lot of emails and saying, "My last days is..." and "...you'll need to talk to..." and/or simply deleting them; and doing career counseling "homework" with impunity. And getting up without an alarm clock every day. And wearing jeans every day. And not eating out.

Anyway - that's check in one. All the other check-ins will probably be much shorter.

The Hammer Drops

I was just let go. My last day of employment will be the 23rd of March. They're theoretically "...transitioning away from the kind of work" I do, which I suspect may be a little more difficult than they currently believe, once I'm gone - but I'm going to have a lot of flexibility to come & go & job search with imputity on work time over the next 30 days.

More as my "throwing my hat into the ring" story develops.

In Other News...

Tomorrow is the day when I find out if I still have a job. Having gone through a "voluntary" round of job reductions, my company now has determined that they need to take that next step - and we've all been waiting about a month and a half for this day of gloom.

Even if stay on, many others will have their employment involuntarily terminated - it's going to be awful.

Get on the Bus!

Ever have a movie that you’ve felt you *should* see, but one that stayed in that status, unseen, for a decade or more?

For me, one of those movies was “Get on the Bus.” Finally saw it last night. 12+ years on my “to see” list, about two years in my Netflix queue, and then at least four weeks sitting in my living room.

I know I'm supposed to be working towards not obligating myself with "shoulds," but in this case, at least, it became a matter of pride. Sending the movie back to Netflix after coming so far in this particular journey would have been like dropping out of a 25k trail run within sight of the finish line.

Speechless.

In this, may lie my answer. Thanks to Wordle, and T-Clog, who hepped me to the scene.

the low-down

I'm about nine days out from finding out whether I'm among the involuntary layoffs. But...only indirectly related to that - I've been in career counseling sessions for the past month.

Here's the deal: I love geography, and continue to love geography. But, unless you go into a career as an academic research geographer, almost any career in the field is going to be very GIS-heavy. And I've begun to wonder in recent years whether I really do want to spend my middle age and older working years jockeying to stay on top of the latest technology.

A recent skills assessment and some soul-searching has caused the field of "library science" to rise to the top. I'm in the process of conducting some "informational interviews" with people in the field and who've gone through a graduate program at the College of St. Kate's (in St. Paul), and will be attending an informational session at the end of the month.

Much more soul-searching needs to be done. If I manage to ride out this impending round of layoffs, I need to answer the following questions for myself:

on one hand:
- Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? (I've got the best job I've ever had; albeit, in a field that makes my heart grow cold. But we can pay all the bills and slowly pay off debt, and Sharon doesn't even have to work. Plus, I'm doing work I generally enjoy, can blog & listen to NPR, and and make maps pretty much all day)
- Do I really have the motivation (and finances) to embark upon another attempt at a graduate to enter a field with God-knows-what employment prospects.

on the other hand:
- The opportunity to working in a career where a voracious interest in the accumulation of useless knowledge and a near-insane drive to catalog and file is rewarded?
- The opportunity to work in the public sector and maybe even incorporate the "programming" aspect of Sharon's old job at the nature center that I always thought I'd enjoy.

on the third hand:
- Something I can do with my background in geography that might allow me to make my escape from retail once and for all, and maybe pull me just a bit away from technology a bit. The other aspect of my searching about.

Anyway - that's what this is all about. I'm in a rather insane period of waffling and roller-coastering right now. And I set a high-bar to begin with. I'm 100% for something one moment, then fretting and losing sleep over that idea later the same night. As I said to Mixx today - and though it was in relation to something a little difference, it is tied to this same current phase of insanity - and is perhaps one of my best self-assessments ever:

I am a little boat, far out at sea, continually buffeted about by the alternating winds of motivation and malaise.

Welcome Back, Pot-Stirrer...

Well, it's looking like I might be about to pursue a career as a librarian.

Arrr!