Major Event #1: My Brain

When my readers last left My Brain, I was performing a self-diagnosis with the conclusion: Fucked Up. It was at near the height of a long-buildup of ambient stress, with a series of external stressors and a life in flux that was overwhelming me like so many Lilliputian Poltergeists. Here's the crazy/eerie thing: the date/time stamp of that last post on my psychological state was 8:27 pm last Aug. 13. That was about two hours before my dad died.

THAT was what finally pushed me over the edge.

So, it was a couple weeks after that I entered therapy. After one well-meaning therapist that was not a good fit, I ended up with a psychologist, Martha, who was wonderful. I saw her every two weeks throughout the fall, beginning with with working through what she diagnosed to be a moderate level of clinical depression, and evolving into digging into a weedy topic I will summarize as - ah - "HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?"

If you care to read through a couple of the posts during my job search odyssey last year, you we see how I had managed to expose and master a number of hang-ups and generally messy roadblocks I had constructed for myself early on in life, for whatever reason. Coping mechanisms that allowed Young Dan to get through childhood with a minimal investment of energy on directing his own future. During the job search in Spring '09, I wasn't digging into the "why" so much. But I WAS, for the first time in my life, moving from a mindset of believing all things in life would generally default to not working out for me to realizing that people can make things happen for themselves, and that I'd laid a pretty solid foundation for success in life (my definition of success, not Norm Coleman's) without even thinking about it.

So, I was understanding this on some level in the late spring and into the summer. But it was through therapy in the fall that I dug into how that came to be. And also (more importantly) how to recognize when I was in danger of falling into old patterns of thought; gaining an ability to clinically evaluate a situation and say, "Ah yes, I'm doing it again." As any therapist (or substance abuse counselor) would tell you, getting your head around what you're doing is the first and most critical step to moving past a roadblock. It's related to the old cliche of "admitting you have a problem."

At some point, in the fall I think (and kind of at rock bottom), a Wise Friend said something to the effect of "I think when the dust settles, you're going to be able to take stock of things and realize you're in a much better place." It is a Wise Friend who has a penchant for saying things that stick with me over time. And, obvious as that statement might seem, it did stick with me throughout the fall and into winter, as bi-weekly therapy sessions turned into monthly sessions, and moderate depression went into disthymia (mild depression) and, eventually, simply away.

With the departure of depression and the greater level of self-awareness, AND with a number of "externalities" of life having settled into a Good Place, a burst of motivation and energy has been unleashed, the likes of which I haven't seen in a long, long time (the fruits of that burst of motivation and energy will be covered in following posts for Major Events).

Understand, I live in the topsy-turvy world of the New Millenium. Our nation is awash in economic disparity, corruption, and widespread political vitriol. Our world hangs in the balance from environmental and militaristic threats. I essentially live check-to-check and I have two young kids providing (in addition to many moments of indescribable joy) a moderate level of ambient, background stress. I can still have my highs and lows.

But I'm in a Good Place.

Back with a Vengeance: And The State of Me, Executive Summary

The plan – to begin this anew. We’ll see how it actually comes to fruition, but my hope is to steal coffee time in the morning to pound out some thoughts on a regular basis.

Time was, I used to examine and deliberate every life decision in this forum. Needless to say, that’s been pretty much absent in the past year. There were a couple of posts about my dad last summer, and one odd one during the summer when I suspected (rightly, at the time) a state of depression. Before that, the blog chronicled my unemployment and career change – that that was only monthly during the spring of ’09.

What’s ironic is that – as Sharon & I have discussed – 2009 – 2010 will likely go down as a turning point in our history, when looking back someday. So many things have changed. For me, the period of unemployment was a life-altering event. My wonderful career coaches were making me understand how much, in this life, is really within my control, and I was finally ready to buy into it. The death of my father (predictably, I suppose) not only induced me to re-frame some family considerations, but it also was the tipping point, driving me into a necessary series of appointments with a psychologist, wherein I was able to get my head around few things about myself that maybe I could/should have understood 25 years ago –but hey, better late than never.

And the new job. And the end of theatre and the resurgence of music. And the impending house move-WHA?!?!?!

I will attempt to go back and get into the particulars of these assorted Major Events over the course of the next few weeks.

Stay tuned!