Something I've kind of determined I'm going to do: try to stay on a semi-regular blogging schedule in order to sort of tie down various strands that are floating about in these uncertain times and kind of "get my story straight" for you guys. In and amidst a phone call I may make here and there, there may be some repeating of some stuff from time to time, but I think getting stuff down in the written word can help coalesce what is sometimes only lurking in the shadows of one's minute-to-minute conscious thought. Plus - you all know that bouncing things off friends is one of the ways I work myself through a lot of life's shit. So please - chime in if you have any thoughts, at any point.
So - Thursday night (the night after the layoff), I was surprised (though perhaps I shouldn't have been) to have an utterly fitful and sleepless night. One of my worst ever; especially considering I'd not had a great night of sleep the night before and was drowsy while hanging out with my family earlier in the day. This is a difficult thing for me to admit in light of all the anti-corporate & "Barad-Dur" talk through all the years, but I'd invested a fair amount of my energy & attention into this last job. I mean, it demanded a lot of me, and over time, that will tend to suck you in, to a point. And without going into too much detail about "the value I added to the business," I will say that it was truly a surprise to me that I was among those let go; and - dammit - it did feel like a slap in the face. So - after an awesome, chummy evening where Gibbs & I hung out on the phone for a while, I suffered through a hellish night where my brain simply would not turn off. I slept for two hours. I know a lot of people will say they slept for two hours and they maybe don't really know. But truly - I slept for two hours, no more.
I'd thought about going into work the next day (remember, they're keeping me on for a month), but after the night I had - fuck that. I had, wisely, pre-scheduled an appointment with my career counselor for this day. By the way - did I mention that I've been seeing a career counselor for a little over a month? Related - and, in fact, driving that whole talk of future scenarios (including the one about beinga sexy librarian).
I decided to wear my dumpy "unemployment clothes" (my 1994-era Timberwolves sweatshirt and a pair of gray cargo pants), and spent little time beforehand in a local library checking out the "career center." I was filing through some of the printouts talking about "networking" groups meeting in local churches and resume-writing classes offered by the State of Minnesota, when realized I actually had some tears near-welling up in my eyes. Kind of perfect storm of the exhaustion, the layoff, the prospect of my family of four having just lost our lifeline, and me, sitting here at age 38, thinking, "so, it's come to this." That was kind of the low daytime point I've had so far.
In my meeting with Cindy (my c. counselor) not long after, she was offering me some pretty hopeful overall assessments; in addition to sort of giving me permission to be easy on myself for a few days, she also assured me that, with my six-month (seven-month, if you consider the month of remaining employment) severence, I have time to "do this right" (her words). My newish dream of being librarian (children's book specialist) or school librarian - she told me point blank, "this is not just a dream - this is very do-able." The whole thing is about not ever accepting a job again that is just kind of repeating the cycle of getting something that is not moving me towards a goal, but simply not quite crappy enough to leave. More on this later, but my next few steps involve finding out the difference between what my perception is of the job requirements of a number of occupations, and what job listings actually say. That, and starting a major "networking" effort. I tell you, there is so much for me to unlearn. The idea of and even the word "networking" has always made me cringe. But looking at how close I am to where I want to be career-wise, 15+ years out of college, has got me considering I might not be entirely unlike George Costanza in that episode where he decided to start doing the exact opposite of every single inclination he had, and things suddenly started looking up.
This is getting a little long, but it was a crazy first few days. I will say that Sharon & I, with the assistance of a babysitter, were able to get away for a great talk for a couple of hours on Saturday, and I've found her to be a lot more willing to consider multiple scenarios (some of which involve her back in the workforce and Rosie going to Lucy's school), than I had worried she might be. And I've slept better each night since Thursday, though I'm sort of feeling like tonight might be a bit of a setback, as I'll be setting foot back in that place again, tomorrow. It's going to be a really weird feeling, and a little humiliating to walk back to my cube amongst my co-workers. Dead man walking.
But I'm expected to be there, for most of the days at least, in order to receive my severence. Plus, they are actually offering a number of outplacement resources, on-campus, as many of which I will avail myself as I am able. Other than that, I'll be forwarding along a lot of emails and saying, "My last days is..." and "...you'll need to talk to..." and/or simply deleting them; and doing career counseling "homework" with impunity. And getting up without an alarm clock every day. And wearing jeans every day. And not eating out.
Anyway - that's check in one. All the other check-ins will probably be much shorter.
Lucy Luvs Rose
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