So - I may have given a positive report around Christmastime. My dad's health experienced a turn for the better when they put him on a continuous flow of oxygen; however, since the beginning of summer, he has again been on the decline. And in a visit this past weekend, it appears he's in worse shape than they've been able to convey to me over the phone. A simple move across the living room is cause for gasping, wheezing, and sometimes dizziness. And he simply does not look good - which is an unscientific but unmistakable evaluation I feel I can make, having seen him only one other time since last Winter.
The other thing is, neither he and my mom are under any illusions with respect to where this is headed. To a point where it was a little chilling to hear. My dad pulled me aside and shared with me, as he has to my two siblings who live in IA, some wishes for how he would want things to be handled, were he to become confined to a hospital bed with no hope of coming home. He even used the "I've had a good life" line, which is an amazing, iconic statement that somehow straddles the negative/positive notions of resignation and peace. I've spent so long thinking of my dad's condition in clinical terms, "How long will he live? Will this shatter my mom?" etc., that I've not really stopped to internalize what this is going to do to me.
It really, really hit home as I saw him giving my two daughters hugs goodbye (telling Lucy, in very uncharacteristically emotive terms, "You give the sweetest hugs"). It was the actions of a man who is not sure if he will see them again. I was not sure how many times I would see him again, alive. Five, two, never? We had already turned to get into the car, but by the time I sat down, tears were streaming down my face. I mean, of course they were. I'm that kind of a guy.
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4 comments:
that is a tough set of emotions
you, your mom, your children, your dad
that feeling when you were leaving must of been nearly overwhelming
I think it is good that your dad said something like "Lucy you give the sweetest hugs"
It must have been amazingly difficult for him to see you drive off as well
Will you have an opportunity to go down to Iowa again in the near future
I hope that you are able
I'm going to be heading down again before too long. Possibly alone, I'm not sure. The drive with the two girls in a tiny, un-air conditioned car was a real bear. If it looks like we'll be making multiple trips down, soon, we may just need to suck it up and buy a new car.
brobo: when some one is your "homie" and, incidentally, a trained circus bear
Hard to know what to say in this situation. All the conflicting emotions apply. Sure, your dad has had a full life. Solace comes from that. On the other hand, this was someone who seemed immutable for a significant portion of your life and seeing him fade and ultimately pass is something it's pretty much impossible to fully prepare for.
I think you need to follow your gut on the visits. No number will really be enough, but none may not feel right.
Best wishes, and perhaps most especially to your mom, for whom the consequences of this loss are the greatest.
gypay: typical dating behavior, an alternative to which is going dutch.
I am already prying for your dad. I am also praying for those who will miss him so much when the time does come.
Just know that there is a place prepared for him, and that he will be happy.
Your dad is an amazing and great man!
thookied: What happens when poop comes out of your butt and goes back in.
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