And why I haven't been posting with reguarity or substance, of late.
Things are rough here. Work really, really getting me down, as is the situation in Waterloo with my dad's health and my parents' impending move (though it’s hard for me to know how much each factor is contributing) I’ve been depressed in the last few weeks. Had to send a note to my theatre group telling them I need to pull back for awhile. I’m completely overloaded at work – pursued with shit as I stumble out of the door each night and have no energy to be the father I want to be. And Rose & Lucy are having trouble going down for the night, so I’m finding that my day begins at 6:30 (when I leave home) and doesn’t slow down till 9:30 or 10:00, though I'm moving like a broken shell of a man during the hours when I'm not in at work. The stress seems to be building by the day. I was so blasted and incapable of function at home last night I told Sharon I felt like I needed to be institutionalized. Not true, probably, but I felt like it.
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9 comments:
there is nothing that I can say here that I would rather discuss in person
I am coming
I will help you
Thanks, man.
Just re-read my post and it looks pretty dire. I can't really say I misrepresented anything, though I thought I should probably clarify: I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm fragile, maybe, but not fargone.
Sorry to hear.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Hopefully a scoopful of MT will buoy the spirits.
I hear you. At the end of each day, I've started to say "that's all I've got today" and just LEAVING... which doesn't always work, but sometimes has an impact.
Yeah. MT knows where I'm going with this next part, and maybe T-Clog - but I've specifically talked about it with MT...though America never needs to go back to the "My Three Sons" model of gender roles, we understand why "the man" used to come in the house, have no one speak to him, sit down in a chair, and have his slippers and the evening news delivered to him. My dad, even, had a "no talk to him for 30 minutes policy" when he came home. You're just so fucking fried. You can be thinking about your kids all day long and missing them and longing to see them, but the second you step through the door, they are on you like a pair of lampreys and suddenly you realize that there is no understanding that there are any needs in the world other than their own. Going from being stressed about everything in your own life to being back in a world where NOTHING is about you and EVERYTHING is about them is like suddenly putting your car in reverse when going 55mph. You - as working dad (or working mother, of course) simply need time to decompress, and that's the exact opposite of what you're given.
So that's playing into things.
It's not a gender thing, though certainly maternal bond may temper the effect, but I assume any 'breadwinner' may suffer the same emotional rollercoaster.
When we lived in NBPT and walked to work (and had no dog) I would often just sit on the couch for a half hour before beginning any after work activity.
Now that I commute 30 minutes, and have a dog, the driving seems to eliminate my need for down time, and Primus demands a walk immediately upon me getting home.
My stories aren't in the same universe as the parents among the group, but I can empathize with the situation.
Could you stop somewhere quiet and pleasant near home before actually going home. Go sit on your favorite bench in a park for 30 minutes. Take some deep breaths and go home.
It won't mean your a bad father.
Yeah, the rub is that I don't generally get home till six. If I had time to spare in a park somewhere, that'd mean I'd have time to spare at home. I need to take the kids off Sharon's hands so she can cook. We need to get through supper as fast as possible so they don't go to bed too late. Catch 22.
Right.
It may come down to a this too shall pass, although perhaps bittersweet, as your immediate relevance in their lives wanes as they age.
I am aware of the irony, and how someday I will long and long for snuggly, tiny little girls that will want nothing more than to have all of me all of the time.
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