I can't recall whether I've done a follow up since that one blog discussion we had over stubborn vs. independent, but I have since been willing to concede that Lucy is stubborn. I think the two are definitely related, but I am pretty sure that she simply sometimes resists our authority as a test of wills.
It's pretty much the biggest issue we have. Looking back on our parenting of her first nearly three years, there's not too much I'd change, but I think we could have been a little more firm in setting limits. We've never really had a problem with "giving in," but what we may have done is let ourselves get drawn into long, drawn-out discussions and mousing around, needlessly, after a decision had already been made. In a book we recently read about parenting without threats or punishment, it talks about this part of a young child called the "baby self" that simply wants your attention, regardless of whether they're arguing, whining, or crying. A seemingly distraught child might actually be licking her chops undercover, the second you give her the response she's been noodling for. The book sums up nicely: "What the child needs: a lot of you. What the child wants: all of you."
We've actually been making a conscious effort (after the initial foot has been put down, and the reason given) of simply not entertaining any further discussion, whatsoever. If she wants to cry or get angry or whine, that's something she can choose, but the expectation that she will do what she's supposed to do will remain. Of course, it's easier said than done-especially when, say, trying to get her ready to get out the door without being late in the morning, but sometimes you're left with simply taking action (e.g. scooping a little girl up and simply inserting legs into pants against her firey will). But presumably, over time, she will continually learn that the "baby self" sorts of behaviors will simply not accomplish anything, and meeting our expectation in a positive way is the most sure-fire way of getting attention she craves. It's tricky, tricky, but we've actually seen some progress already. Almost like there's a load off her tiny little shoulders, but being in a constant state of being ready to rumble.
Of course, I don't mean to give the impression we've had all sorts of difficulties: there's no end to good times and fun, but the "baby self" conflict engagement definitely seems to have a knack for seeking you at at your most frazzled, drained times, and has been our biggest (and maybe only) issue.
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4 comments:
It certainly seems normal to me for 'a little girl' to try to test the limits, but there is a significant danger to not defining those limits and it sounds like you've got a good handle on it.
It is unconscionable to me the attitude that seems to have pervaded parenting among people our generation. Their children in public are dicks, and one can only assume that they're dicks in private.
Without reasonable boundaries and an understanding that everything doesn't go your way in life no matter how much you complain, more children become Eric Cartman and that is not a good thing.
I have extreme confidence in your (including Sharon) particular parenting skills. The fact that you discuss such things is fantastic. Keep up the good work.
It's interesting-the guy that wrote the parenting without threats & punishment book-he freely admits that, as society has moved more away from using threat of corporal punishment, children have become more resistant to authority and generally more disobedient. It's great he can offer that up before suggesting that, even so, we're halfway to the promised land. We just need to close the deal. We now at least have a generation or two of kids that don't fear and resent their parents-there just might be some respect issues. The trick is knowing how to still have consequences even without punishment.
It always burns me up, those people that suggest the world is going to hell in a handbag because people "can't hit their kids anymore." I always want to offer up this thought: all those people out there that are shooting people or otherwise committing various violent acts-do you think those people were in the camp that were, themselves, hit when they were young? Absolutely. There may be wishy washy parents out there losing a power struggle with their kids-but for every parent in that camp, there's still about three or four more bastards out there wailing away on their kids when they are incapable of dealing with their own stress. And those are the kids that are a lot more likely to grow up and be adults that are the real drain on our society.
I'm sure my grandmother would have tossed out the "spoiled" term for Lucy, but I have a <3 year old daughter that actually is capable of telling me (as she did last night) "I'm too angry to eat right now." How rewarding that was! It doesn't always work out that smoothly, but at least she knows that it's OK to be angry, and that we're not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do (unless, of course, we're up against the clock). The girl has to eat. The expectation does not go away. My response to her was "OK, thanks for telling me." I'm going to go ahead and eat-it's her choice if she wants to eat with us, or eat alone, later. Chances are (and this is what happened), that she'll come streaking down the hallway after me saying, "I'm ready I'm ready!"
I definitely don't advocate hitting, but boundaries need to be set.
Plenty of people that were physically disciplined by their parents did not grow up to be dicks, in fact, probably 99.99%. Lots of things go into making people do bad things, physical punishment from parents perhaps being not at the top of the list of bad parenting skills.
We may disagree somewhat. I think hitting kids is fundamentally flawed and, as a wise man once said, "There are always alternatives." Obviously, there's shades of gray-my dad spanked me regularly and I hated it and grew up fearing him. But at least it was always just on my butt-he didn't start just wailing on me. In another sense, he did, though. It was as a result of him losing his temper and absolutely because he couldn't think of another way to get his message across.
The vast majority of people who were spanked grow up to be decent, law abiding members of society. That much is true. Though I think there's probably a large percent of those people, even so, that feel emotionally distanced from their parents, and that carry through with them through their adult years this baggage that their opinions weren't valued.
People that get the hell beat out of them by their parents are far more likely to go plain ol' wrong in life(and, in turn, beat their own kids-we've all seen the studies). Though a portion of that may simply be that they have violent genetics to begin with.
In any event-aside from the whole psychology of it-it just seems mean to hit a little kid. What, only cause you're bigger than they are? You wouldn't hit your wife, why would you hit your kid?
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