So funny to be on the "parent" end of the legendary Parent Teacher conferences. And also very exciting. So many hours of the day, many days, we're not able to see what she's up to. How does she interact with others of her age? What sort of developmental change do they see at school and how does it compare with home? And so on and so forth.
Actually, one of the most interesting things for us-especially as first time parents- is to see what sorts of behavior are kind of standard for toddlers across the board, and which are unique to her emerging little personality. According to the administrator of the school & primary toddler instructor, Ann, here are the things that Lucy loves: art and all sorts of fine motor skills, nature and the outdoors, books, and talking & telling stories. One of the things she also talked about at some length is Lucy's independence. In Ann's words, Lucy is "resistant to adult suggestion." Of course, that is a very common trait for toddlers, but Ann believes this is going to be a trait Lucy carries with her for the rest of her life. She resists doing anything that she did not, herself, decide to do. She's very specific about her preferences and, though she gets along with other kids, does not position herself in the hiearchy as either a leader or a follower; she prefers to work alone and accomplish things on her own. Obviously, how this trait manifests itself at home can be frustrating at times-as daily rituals such as naptime or getting ready for bed become classic battles of wit and will, but there is much to appreciate there, in a trait that I see as positive, if nurtured and kept within bounds. Some of her greatest creativity comes in her delaying and manipulating tactics when trying to avoid "getting with the program." Man, oh man, as I look back at my own history as a kid who went to the sick room EVERY DAY OF FIRST GRADE in an attempt to stay home at school. Man, do I see myself (and Sharon) in her. And I know where she's coming from. I'd rather her be Pippi Longstockings than John Cusak's love interest in "Say Anything" any day of the week.
Anyway, a very enjoyable and fascinating conference, overall. The teachers seem to be such fans of hers. And, as we were talking for a little about what a positive experience Montessori has been for Lucy so far and how intent we are on keeping her in that environment (especially in light of my own experience of being utterly, totally turned off by school), Ann remarked that she "couldn't imagine Lucy in a traditional school."
Fascinating-FASCINATING!
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12 comments:
It will be very interesting to see how that stuborness develops as she does, particularly physically.
My nephew Flinn is VERY stubborn and reacts with a great deal of physical force. Obviously, he's a male, and there's much to the hormonal/physical effects of that, but stubborness is a force to be reckoned with.
I don't think I see it as stubbornness. Maybe it's just semantics, but "stubborn," to me, has a really negative connotation-like someone is close-minded and defiant in the face of logic and reason.
Obviously, as a toddler, she can only be expected to operate within the world of reason to a limited extent. So, with that in mind, I find her "resistant" nature to be pretty much a positive. I do think it's going to need to be harnessed and nurtured and we're going to definitely be consistant about limits & so on, but I see a definite difference between bristling at the idea of "going along with the flow" and being flat-out stubborn. That's the difference between Paul Wellstone and George W Bush.
As she gets older, I won't ever have a problem with her questioning rules and always coming up with that "third option." That is, as long as her choices & actions are based upon logic & critical thinking.
Semantics it may be.
What I witnessed in July was unabashed stubborness in her refusal to brush her teeth etc.
I understand that it's natural and that it can and will be dealt with, but from an unbiased outside observer, it was stubborness. There was not logic behind those actions just a fury of will, a desire not to be told what to do.
It amy be part of coming to grips with your role in the world and it may be that and more, who knows for sure.
You, sir, saw a flip-out. She's definitely gone through phases where that can happen (and it has tended to be during a period where she is feeling under the weather or is just about to take a developmental step forward). I can't chalk that up to anything except being a toddler-though I'm not sure how it "rates" vs. explosions of other kids around that age. But it's definitely not the type of thing I'm talking about feeling positive about.
The type of resistance I'm talking about mostly manifests itself as her not a "fury of will," but a skillful attempt to control her own destiny-even if that destiny is as simple as brushing teeth. Intense, sustained explosions are not all that common-what I'm talking about is a battle of wits:
Me: "OK, Loo, tooth-brushing or jammies?
Lucy: (pulling something out of activity bin) "But I'm doing this"
Me: "I know you want to do that. But it's time for brushing or jammies. Would you like to choose or should I choose?" (no response) OK, we'll brush teeth. Would you like to brush teeth on the chair, or would you like me to hold you?"
Lucy: "I want to brush teeth in the li'room (living room)"
Me: (once toothpaste is on brush) Lucy, you're not brushing...
Lucy: But I already brushed.
Me: No you didn't. I didn't see you brush. I need to see you brush.
Lucy: But I need to put Rita in the chair.
Me: Lucy, we need to brush now. Should I help you brush?
Lucy: No! I can do it! (sticks toothbrush in mouth, makes a few extremely feeble brushes) I'm done.
Me: (reaching for her) I need to help you brush...
Lucy: But I want to put jammies on first!!!!!
You may be drawing a line of distinction that the outside observer can not see.
Her desire to make decisions on her own is stubborness, even in the example you describe.
It may not be a bad thing, however. I'm not implying it is good OR bad. You may be hung up on the term and its negative connotation.
That could be-I'll concede that possible hangup. It is like the connotation of one kind of stubbornness is that a child is independent and free thinking, and that the other one is that a child exists to piss you off. I'm totally not seeing this objectively-I'm finding the positive side-but I think it really has a lot to do with trying to see it from her perspective.
There's just so many instances in being Lucy's parent in which I see myself and/or I can relate. I absolutely hated when I knew that my feelings & desires (however petty) weren't valued by my parents.
Kind of like Kirk & his unconventional tactic in solving the Kobayashi Maru (Wrath of Khan), I don't want her to feel like there's a situation where's there's no alternatives. There's been a couple of times when I've told her "it's either this or that" and she's actually come up with a different, yet reasonable, reasonable alternative. That's allowed in the Hylton household.
Me: I'm all done waiting. We need to put your jammies on and go upstairs.
Lucy: (desperately) I want to put my jammies on UPstairs!!!
Me: (about to speak, then pausing & considering, then beginning) OK. That's a good idea, Loo.
I totally appreciate your method of dealing with this, as opposed to the alternative, which is yelling or force. Part of me wonders if in her mind she believes she always gets to do what she wants, as rationalized and misguided as that belief may be.
Not sure if that's an issue that may cause problems later at all, just wondering....
I certainly don't expect you to be capable of complete objectivity, and you can expect me to be as objective as possible given my understanding of your description of things.
I can see how it might look like that, based on how I explain my approach. Rest assured, there are also those moments where it goes like this:
Me: I'm almost done waiting...
Me: (a couple of minutes later, reaching for Lucy) I'm done waiting.
Lucy: (as I pick her up under the arms) I can do it myself!!!
Me: (carrying her struggling body away) I know you can, but I said I was done waiting.
There are lots of parents who are, on the surface, much more "strict," but who are also caving in constantly and being otherwise inconsistant. Reacting with anger at the same type of behavior that made them laugh in another instance. Buying screaming kids something at the store, bribing kids for good behavior, and other bullshit like that.
Sharon & I mean what we say. There is no conflict between being open for discussion and being consistant and firm. She has limits, and there's no doubt who is eventually in charge.
My bigger concern, actually, had been that, as she has been raised in a household with no violence or yelling-or even raising of the voice, was that the first time she gets yelled at by someone or is exposed to any other portion of the big, bad world, it was going to destroy her psychologically. I actually posed this question to the head instructor at the school. She assured me that to raise a child without yelling or hitting is never a bad thing to do. She said that Lucy has her share of conflict resolution she is learning with her peers and that, "Lucy can take care of herself." I guess the theory (similar to the controversial theories of the family bed and respoding to an infant every time he/she cries-both unpopular in Western culture) is that learning to trust those closest to her will lead to her being more confident & independent in the long run. A lot of the insecurity we have in life may be linked in some way to being let down & having our desires/needs snuffed out at various times in our formative years. That last sentence is a bit of theorizing of my own, but I think it's true.
Sorry to drag this on so long-it's just a subject that I feel so incredibly strongly about. I think it's possible to raise a child that is engaged in the world, doesn't feel the need to be a stinker as a teen, and eventually is an adult that I totally admire.
It's important, and understandably leads to strong feelings.
Good discussion. And really interesting for me to put down my thoughts & theories in writing.
I have a really good feeling about my parenting of Lucy-and part of it is because I feel so much (and am, literally) a part of her. I think it would be very challenging for me to be a parent of an adopted child, as I would always be worrying that I was running into some sort of "nature" (as opposed to "nurture") hurdle I would be unable to overcome. It seems like it would be much harder to see the world through the eyes of a child that did not have my bloodline.
Are you saying she's a queen of men?
She's a sheild-maiden of Rohan; a daughter of Kings.
Though, as I am finding out, her future interests and abilities may be more suited for helping out in the Houses of the Healing than riding out to slay the Witch King.
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